Dominatrix By Design Part 3

I was out at 17, the day after graduation. Moved to Houston and found a job working for a dentist on the west end of town. It was a classy and respectable job that I loved. I went through school to earn the title of certified dental assistant. This paid the bills and gave me Fridays and weekends off. I was 17 and I needed no one.

I have had three marriages. Yes, three. I failed at every one of them. By the age of 32, I had been married three times and had four children. I had failed miserably and wondered how it all came to be. How could I, an upper class girl who was raised with the finer things in life end up alone? How could a popular, intelligent cheerleader and class sweetheart end up like this? Where did the time go? Why did I deserve this? Would I ever find where I belonged? Where did I go wrong? Did I really have a purpose and did I belong anywhere at all?

My choices of the men in my life were less than stellar.
The first one shot himself in the head at his mother’s house. I will call him dead E. He was something right out of my own mind. An imaginary fairy tale thought up by a little girl. I wanted someone to save me from this place I called home. A knight in shining armor to rescue me and take me far, far away, never to turn my head and look back again. The tale that all young girls dream about as they lay in their beds at night. There they lay while thinking about their own Prince Charming. The pretty pink beds with lace that trim the comforter hold many fantasies that we dream about when we are young. Oh, If they could talk.

My dream man really existed. He was tall and absolutely gorgeous. He was 6’1”, and was of thin build. He was lean with just the right amount of muscle. Not too much and not even close to being soft. He had a head full of thick black hair and olive skin that complimented the color of his eyes. His light brown eyes and long eyelashes were a sight to see and when they looked at me, I began to melt and I felt lust like never before. I was 18 and totally smitten with this city boy. This handsome young man two years my senior held my heart captive. I should have noticed the signs but I didn’t care. My boyfriend was all I needed and I was on top of the world. I fell hard and fast. We married in the same church as my parents, mostly to appease my mother but the ceremony was lovely. We were young, wild, and free. We lived the fast life. We fucked intensely and partied just as hard. We were too stupid to know any better and too young to care. Our nights would soon abruptly change. We found ourselves pregnant and totally unprepared. Pregnancy changed everything. I decided to put my foot down and wanted us to quit going out and settle down. I was alone on this plan. I was a typical American girl, young and naïve to the world and all of its perils. Simply put, I was a child having a child. Before me was a life altering experience that I was unprepared to handle. I knew not how to feel about this change occurring inside of me. E was less than happy. I know now that he was scared. He was A frightened little boy who didn’t know what to do.

E worked evenings at the shell plant as an electrician’s helper and I worked at the dentist office. I was at work at 7:30am to begin with the day’s first patient and worked until 5:30 in the evening. My job was fulfilling and I was excited about life but quickly learned I was to be alone. The nights soon turned into sadness as I waited eagerly for my love to come home and be with me. We were to have a family soon and we should get ready. He got off work at 11 at night and used to be home by 11:30. He would rush into my arms and it was wonderful. I slowly became single. I was alone; Alone and pregnant in a big city. I had been forgotten about in my beautiful town home in a great part of the city. I had top of the line furniture to sit on all by myself as a baby grew inside of me. An Expensive couch for me to lie on to watch the hours pass. The soft cushions slowly became stiffer each long night I waited alone. Each night the baby grew inside of me as I waited on a husband that had found more exciting things than I. I was all alone and like an epiphany I realized that he wasn’t ever coming home and I would be alone. My mother was furious about my pregnancy and made sure I knew it. I was alone. No longer did he rush in the door to see me. No longer did he miss me. My love began coming home in the early hours of the morning with the smell of alcohol and pussy on his clothes. Make up from someone else would be on his shirt and I was devastated. Didn’t he know who I was? Didn’t he know that nobody treated me that way? He would come home drunk or high on who knows what. As I waited for him, my belly grew and so did my hatred for men. How and why would someone do this to me? I spent many long nights awake and praying to a God that never answered me. I was ignored by an invisible god that deserted me but embraced others. I wanted to be loved so badly but it wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t going to happen with the one I loved. I knew he loved me once upon a time. I knew He loved women, but I was no longer desired by him and it was painful beyond comprehension. I began to fall into a depression that didn’t leave me for many years. I worked until the day before my child was born. She breathed her first breath in the same hospital that I was born in twenty years before. I was present but absent as I welcomed my beautiful girl who ironically favored her father into my cold world of rejection, pain, and loneliness. I loved her as much as I possibly could and I decided to leave the boy I loved to go back to school at my parents urging. No longer would I play house with rejection and betrayal. The father of my child chose drugs and alcohol over my newborn baby and me. Rage and rejection fueled my drive.

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