All of my life, I knew I was different. I wasn’t like the rest of the children. You know the “normal” ones. I have always been out of place in the environment I had been thrust into. I grew up in a typical small Texas town about 30 miles from the Gulf of Mexico. Not a pretty beach per say but an escape from the shithole town with nothing to do.
The funny thing about this town is that no one here is truly important nor outstanding; not nearly as much as they think they are. They are closed minded and judgmental of everything that is different from them. True ignorance among citizens is virally exhibited by their inability to actually think outside the box. A one horse town where everyone knows everyone, for it is front page news when someone takes a shit!! There aren’t any secrets to be had.
I didn’t belong here, for I had secrets. Secrets I treasured. Some I would develop an outlet for, some I will go to my grave with and some that haunt me still today. My mind is a racing one and never stops turning. The gears are relentless.
I have always been sexual, even in childhood; I always migrated to the different and forbidden tastes. My interests are both pure and obscene. I think many people have these sides to them but never really let go and discover them, for it is a dark world, our deepest secrets, ones we die with that no one ever knows. I have grown weary of suppressing these demons. I must give them life. They must come out and breathe in. Inhaling and exhaling all that is there, all that is there to be absorbed.
Somehow, things have happened, instances, circumstances…. just plain weird shit. I wonder if it is the look in my eyes that attracts these situations? Maybe the perverts can read that or feel the vibe? Maybe it’s my own selfish pleasure that pulls me like a gravitational force to the odd and taboo? I remember touching myself because it felt good and getting in such trouble for it by my domineering mother. Oh, I frightened her and still do….. And only now do I understand why. There IS a demon or two that lives inside of me. I know them well by now. They do surprise me from time to time and I must give them credit for being so intense and powerful. They get very hungry and need to be fed accordingly, so that they are kept just satisfied enough for me to be able to control them. I must have an outlet so they can live, be heard and felt. They are important facets of who I am, of what I need and what I must do.
Yes, many devilish desires live inside me. Ones I’ve suppressed for thirty years and Ones I have tried relentlessly to wrangle into submission. I can fight them no more. I give in to the guilty pleasures and it is exhilarating.
I had found MY place, a place where I belonged…. in a world which was uncomfortably comforting.